A zombie movie as dead-eyed and soulless as its walking dead villains, Resident Evil: Apocalypse is a disaster zone. Milla Jovovich stars as good-looking, gun-toting Alice, who awakes from under hospital 'observation' to discover Raccoon City has been overrun by reanimated corpses desperate for a bit of chow. Teamed with a bunch of drones even duller than the no-marks in the original Resident Evil, she tries to escape the city. You could try escaping the cinema...

Seriously folks, if you need a bite of witty, gory butchery watch Dawn Of The Dead, its top-drawer remake or the exceptional Shaun Of The Dead. Hell, go down to your local supermarket and check out the meat counter, but do not watch this. Devoted fans of the videogame might drain some enjoyment from this cynical, depressing exercise. Most others will find it akin to spending days watching someone suck at PlayStation.

"EVERY DECENT IDEA IS HALF-INCHED FROM THE ALIEN FRANCHISE"

It's remarkable that anyone could take a basic siege set-up, thousands of relentless killers and the photogenic Jovovich and Sienna Guillory (as a Lara Croft-clone copper) and make a film so free of thrills, scares or excitement. Yet the makers have pulled off this achievement - and then some. It could not be possible to care less about anyone in the picture. You can't even hate the 'enemy', with the zombies so underplayed (and relatively clean-cut) that they appear a minor annoyance; wart-headed super-beast Nemesis is utterly ridiculous; and the bloke from the evil Umbrella Corporation so bland you might confuse him for a bread roll.

Every decent idea is half-inched from the Alien franchise (even Alien: Resurrection, so help us) and while director Alexander Witt shows a bit more skill behind the camera than his predecessor - and screenwriter - Paul WS Anderson, this is a bit like saying someone shows a "bit more" compassion than Hitler. On this basis, the end of the Apocalypse can't come quickly enough.