Great Uncle Wallace said to me

"I've had my revenge - organically.

Once ate a boy in Blackpool town

And it's been hard to live it down.

Ramsbottom, Albert, was his name,

He caused me infamy and shame,

He showed no respect, showed no fear,

Just ups and pokes me in the ear,

So I despatched the little pest

And all his clothes down to his vest.

Oh I was blamed - a great to-do,

They called the police and closed the zoo.

But folks came to see the blood

They came in hundreds like a flood,

I kept unruly crowds at bay

By spraying them with pee each day,

Always aiming for their faces

I could score at twenty paces.

Passed on his art of self-defence

Of how to target and dispense

The pee from lion pit cage or booth

Upon the listeners of Home Truths