The claims did not come as a surprise

The only surprise to me is finding out what the Jockey Club is.

I always fondly assumed it was some weird collection of tiny men with whips who get together to play cards and have a chat while they starve and sweat themselves to death before the next race.

But no, it's a bunch of toffs who may or may not have their fingers in some pretty dodgy pies. You have to take their protests with a pinch of salt 'n' all.

After all, if you find dung beetles on your lawn, you can be sure there's some s**t nearby.

The Mask of Sava

So Mr Sava, why the mask? Cos it looks like Zorro, he replies.

I thought it might have been a nod to Fulham's hosts - the Lone Queen's Park Ranger, perhaps.

The mask of Sava

Sava has promised more fun with his collection of crap things you can cut out from the back of a cornflakes packet. Ooh, I can't wait.

I suggest he hands his disguises out to people who need them - Glenn Roeder, Essex's answer to Stephen Hawking's voice box, might be a good place to start.

Rio No Show

So he's had a niggly knee for weeks now has our Rio, so when does Ferguson decide it's time for him to go under the knife? Just before England need him, that's when.

What a surprise! The way Man U faff about with the England set-up makes me bloody well fume.

Why is Rio having the op now?

Scholesy's miraculous recovery, Becks' sudden twinge before the Portugal friendly.

I can only imagine that England players at Man U sit down and have a lucky dip to decide what reason they're going to give the FA for not being there.

Newman says if Rio needs an op then he needs an op...Newman needs a bit of cosmetic surgery himself - to ungrit them teeth.

Messing About in Boats

What's the point in the Americas Cup? It's another of those sports that obscenely well-off people with too much time on their hands do.

And more to the point, why televise it? Why screen any sailing? You can't see where they're going or who's in the lead or anything.

Can't they have a track or summat so that miserable urban plebs like me might be able to make head and tail of the whole bleeding thing?

For example, the following is one reason why the British team lost the last race:

"Britain's man up the mast, in attempting to kick over a sail batten which had failed to change shape in a gybe, put his foot through the mainsail and was forced to make a hasty repair."

What the hell is that all about, eh? No, don't bother writing in, shipmates, I won't listen if you do.

Waughs - What Are They Good For?

How nice to witness, the slow deterioration of Steve and Mark Waugh. Mark can't even catch now.

In the Waughs: Twins are in poor form

I'd love to see these ugly mugs out on the pitch for the first Ashes Test. A few easy pickings in the middle order is just the job.

Now if someone could just nobble Warney we might have a shot at it.

If you have info on how this might be done, leave a message for me, Derek Robbo Robson c/o The Jockey Club of Great Britain.....