Clarke believes there's no smoke without fire

On the other hand, the whole event seems to be in the deathly grip of Mark McCormack and his IMG group.

How Faldo still gets a gig, I'm not quite sure, while Funk and Weir sound like a rotten pair of TV detectives from the 70s.

Clarke's right on one thing - if McCormack is choosing the players, then he is surely looking at his agent's fee first.

Girls v Men

Pakistan's batsmen have drawn a line in the sand for the England boys. If it is to be humiliation, it won't come close to that.

No! Not another major tournament down the drain

We will muster more than 112 in the match, guaranteed. In fact their coach Richard Pybus reckons the Aussies are vulnerable.

Yeah, mate. And you'd know, right? Just get your young girlies through the next match with their dignity intact first. 112!

Lyin' Ryan

Haway man, Giggsy! If you never wanted to play for England then why bother starting your international career with 'em?

When you were in short trousers, you couldn't wait to pull on the three lions.

Let's hope the new breed of Taffs will give you a run-out in Portugal in a couple of years, but in the meantime - you're kidding no one!

Radcliffe Riddle

It's appalling how they whisper about Paula Radcliffe's form and how it must be suspect in some way.

Right, where's the loo?

Her desire to prove herself 'clean' almost cost her the Chicago Marathon. She's so keen to give a urine sample to anyone who wants one that she nearly had to stop for a pee on the 23rd mile.

Mind, it's hardly surprising she was so quick. I can do the 200 yards home from boozer to toilet in 20 seconds if the feeling comes over me.

It's amazing how difficult it is to drop your trousers when the pressure's on, mind.

Small Mercy

The final of the LG Cup - and no I don't know what the LG stands for either - was about the worst advert for snooker imaginable.

Hurry up Alex!

All the fuss about Alex Higgins' possible return and people suggesting that the modern player is too dull - and who do we get to watch battling it out for glory - Small and McManus.

Two Scots for whom the word 'dour' was invented. I'd rather watch mould grow on cheese.

They shouldn't let it happen. Perhaps Mark McCormack could get involved next tournament?