Come fly with me

Their diving lacked the theatrical flair of the Italians or even the sheer audacity of the Uruguayans, but it was efficient falling over. It got the job done

And I know he's a nice fella and that, but Klinsmann spent whole matches displaying all the surefootedness of a new born foal, apparently.

As for arrogance, well, hang on, son, but didn't your lot invent it? The nerve! I hope the Highbury jitters end in Dortmund this week.

Bates Debate

Kettles and pots make another appearance as Ken Bates lays into Adam Crozier.

The FA boss is "out of control" and has "exceeded his authority".

Do as I say, not as I do

It's good to see Ken's so keen to stamp out this sort of dictatorship in football.

There's too many neurotic, megalomaniacs in the game and benign Bates is the man to lead the fight against it. Oh aye.

American Dreams

They told me to say this, but well done Anaheim Angels for winning the World Series.

If you're a Yank and you're reading this - the world is more than less than one half of one continent. I wish some of you would get a passport and use it.

Any road, I understand it was dead exciting in Game Six when the Angels came back Disneyland-fashion from 5-0 down to beat the San Francisco Giants.

We win the World Series and all I get is this lousy birdcage

Now I'm sure some overweight, tobacco chewing so-and-so won the day for one team or the other, but I couldn't tell you which one I am supposed to pick out and why he's so good at rounders.

Meanwhile, all hail Emmitt Smith, a little man built like a piano who has apparently spent years rushing about and has only just managed 16,743 yards.

That's about 24-and-a-half miles. Two miles a year. Well, I reckon I've managed more than that going from the fridge to the sofa and back.

I'm not impressed, frankly.

Watch the Byrdies

This bloke Byrd, who's just won some golf tournament in the US, hit his fiancee with a tee shot and she kept it in a playable position!

How long is it before golfers have simultaneous engagements to increase the chances that wayward drives get a little nudge in the right direction?

I love it when a plan comes together

My missus hit me with a seven iron off the tee once. She'd just missed the ball and I was laughing so I got the club in me head.

She said she'd been in the rough since she married me. She's a good lass really.

Stupid Smithy

People are suggesting Alan Smith is a victim of his reputation these days.

I saw him at first hand on Saturday and all I can say is, the lad's a plank.

Smith holds in the sawdust at The Riverside

I think his problem is that he can't count up to 90. If he's still on the pitch after 75, he panics, poor lamb.

They used to do this thing called trepanning in the Stone Age when if you were a bit mental they'd drill a hole in your head to let the demons out.

I'd tell Alan about this but he'd only have a go at doing it by himself. And who'd clear up the sawdust after?