Can someone untie my laces please?

He's an imposing fella with a big heart. Unfortunately, he's also a big clumsy oaf who makes Woodgate look like Gene Kelly.

Boa Morte (whose name when translated could mean 'dead snake') kept bumping into him all Sunday.

Surely, it's time for Sol to take a back seat in the England team until he learns not to tie his boot-laces together.

Bhoys to Men

Glasgow's quest for Premier League status can hardly be helped when you watch mid-table Blackburn give Celtic the runaround for 85 minutes.

I thought even Bolton and Sunderland would be licking their lips in anticipation of meeting them very soon - in Nationwide Division One of course.

Runaround...now!

Now we all know that Rangers and Celtic won't be short of a few quid when they got into the Premier League - but look at them now! Neither of them would make the top half.

And it's simply because playing the equivalent of Your Mum and Her Best Friends' XI every week makes you a team of powder puffs when you have to face a team of grown-ups.

And any of you Glasgow kiss-heads who think that the 1-0 win proves me wrong can just wait for the return leg...

Sickly Gough

The Dazzler loses his shine once more. And the Aussies wrinkle up their eyes and nod wisely at each other.

But wait - as one casualty heads south, hail the arrival of the robust Alex Tudor. Yep. He'll still be there in three weeks time won't he?

Not today, I've got a headache

England's pace attack is supposed to have 'raw potential'. It's currently sore and red-raw potential.

The next time we pick a squad to tour overseas, I suggest we ink in the names of the physiotherapists first.

I'm dreading the first Test. Here's hoping the Aussie frontline attack are as lively as Kewell and Viduka.

East Yorkshire in November

I love Bridlington - it is a fine sturdy sort of a place.

But even I would hesitate to suggest a weekend in Brid in November, even if you did sit in a big room watching people chuck arrows at some cork.

I love darts, too. Only darts could maintain the idea that Steve Beaton is an 'Adonis'. Only in darts could a man like Andy Fordham earn the nickname 'sportsman'.

Andy Fordham - athlete supreme

Incidentally, Fordham's forearms are the same circumference as the barrel of ale he so obviously sinks every lunch-time - he's a monster.

But darts cannot be enjoyed when all the while the greatest man ever to stick a feather on a six-inch nail is off doing something else.

Darts without Phil Taylor is like Bridlington without the sea.

Becks' Nightmare

Not surprisingly, the England skipper is lining up the SAS for future employment.

Maybe we should have called them John and John

Interesting to note that the Beckhams are richer than the Queen now. Still, they pay their taxes and they pay for their own security and they pay for their fame, too.

And even Posh might have better recall of important conversations than Liz.

I just hope Brooklyn and Romeo grow up with some normality - being called Brooklyn and Romeo doesn't help and neither would having an Uncle Paratrooper. I wish 'em all the best.