Consider this... how many times have you found yourself sitting in a pub of an evening staring into the mid-distance and asking yourself the eternal question 'why am I here?' I don't mean in a philosophical sense, though that does happen from time to time but is usually followed by the subsequent 'where am I?' and 'why is there two of everything?' self inquiries as you search for an insight into your condition.
If you're often at that stage, by the way, it's probably best to stop reading now. What I'm getting at is this; why do some pubs appear to welcome and enfold us and make us want to stay a while where others repel like a bad case of dog breath? It can take years of experience, to recognise a decent pub at an early stage of investigation.  | | The inner sanctum |
Often you don't realise a mistaken choice until you're downing your acrid, lumpy pint and leaving as fast as you can before the moron who's been harassing you returns from putting Kenny Rogers on the jukebox, again, to weep on your shoulder and tell you about his unsavory needs. Here, therefore, is a simple guide to recognising a good pub as soon as you can, as well as some of the danger signs if you don't want to become some well-marinated stranger's 'best mate in the world' or 'girl of his dreams'. I should say, too, that although this will set you on the road towards a rewarding and enriching traditional English pub experience you'll eventually have to find your own route to discovering true 'Inn-sight'.  | | Remember Will's rules! |
So, firstly, what can we learn from the exterior? Large windows are usually a good bet, it suggests a certain openness particularly if you can see inside, though not too clearly, as drinking in a goldfish bowl is really best left to those self same watery beasts.
Pubs that look as though they'd provide a suitable location for the last stand of fugitive, armed bank robbers or somewhere to seek sanctuary from an invading enemy are best avoided. The bunker look is definitely out. You have to ask yourself why they don't want passers by to see what they're doing in there. If there's a sign for line dancing evenings - beware!
Once inside there are five simple rules to observe. Memorise them and you'll not look back.
- A wide range of beers and lagers at the bar, good - a wide range of beers and lagers on the floor, bad.
- Pool as a game in the bar, good - pools as a hazard in the toilets, bad.
- A roaring fire in the fireplace good - roaring, fiery customers all over the place, bad.
- Avoid pubs where the bouncers show more interest in you than the bar staff do.
- If you catch someone smiling blearily at you as Kenny Rogers comes on the jukebox - sup up and ship out!
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