It can often feel like romantic connection takes a back seat when you have children, especially during those first few years.
If this sounds familiar, psychologist Dr Lalitaa Suglani has some small, realistic, everyday steps you can take to nourish your relationship.
Dr Lalitaa spoke to Guvna B and Katie Thistleton on the CBeebies Parenting Download podcast, chatting love and romance alongside Scarlett Moffatt and dating coach Hayley Quinn.
“Your dynamic will naturally change when you become a parent,” Dr Lalitaa explains.
“Why? Because sleep deprivation, constant responsibility, and the mental load of caring for young children mean there’s very little spare emotional capacity left at the end of the day.
“Time together can start to feel like another task rather than something restorative, or fun, or intentional.”
“There’s also a psychological shift in identity. Many parents move from being partners to being co-managers of a household. Conversations become logistical rather than emotional - about nappies, schedules and meals.
“The relationship can quietly move down the priority list, because it feels less urgent than the immediate needs of children. This is not because you do not value each other, but because you have to prioritise the kids first.
“However, time together is deeply important and children benefit enormously from witnessing warmth, affection, and teamwork between caregivers.”
How can I prioritise my relationship when I have a young child?
“Grand gestures aren’t necessary, instead we need to focus on consistency. Yes, as parents we can feel exhausted, but you need to show up for each other and that can be in many different ways.
“Relationships are sustained through shared effort, patience, humour, and repair after conflict.”
1. Redefine ‘quality time’
“It doesn’t have to be a full evening out and all dressed up.
“It can be 20 intentional minutes after bedtime, without phones, bringing the duvet downstairs, where you ask each other how you actually are, not just how the day went - trying to be fully present with each other.”
2. Share the emotional load
“Feeling understood reduces resentment, as you both feel you are in it together.
“Small acknowledgements like, ‘I see how much you’re carrying,’ or ‘I appreciate how much you are doing,’ go a long way.”
3. Be responsive
“Nourishment in relationships comes from emotional responsiveness which looks like feeling heard, respected, and valued.
“It’s about being able to bring stress or vulnerability to your partner and feel met with understanding rather than dismissed or told you aren't doing enough.”
4. Protect those small moments of connection
“[This might be] a hug in the kitchen, eye contact across the room, or a quick message or note during the day. These moments regulate the nervous system and maintain closeness.”
5. Don’t be afraid to schedule!
“Romance doesn’t always feel spontaneous with young children, but prioritising it intentionally is not unromantic. If anything it helps to look forward to something!”
6. Don’t compare yourself to others
“We need to remember that social media often promotes highlight-reel intimacy: surprise gifts, elaborate dates and perfectly curated family moments. This can create unrealistic expectations and hidden comparisons.”
“The danger of comparison is that it distracts from your own relationship’s rhythm. What matters most is whether you feel emotionally secure, not whether your love looks impressive online. You are a team working together.”
Are ‘love languages’ important?
“Understanding your partner’s wants and needs is crucial. How else will you know what is important to them and how they want to be loved?”
“Many conflicts arise, not because couples don’t love each other, but because they express and interpret love differently - which is absolutely okay.”
“The idea of ‘love languages’ can be helpful as a framework. It highlights that some people feel loved through words, others through acts of service, physical touch, time, or gifts.
“However, it’s not a rigid rulebook. Human needs are more fluid than that.
“What matters most is ‘emotional attunement’ – although, some people may not want emotions and may be focused more on the physical.
“This means being curious about what helps your partner feel safe, valued, and supported in this season of life. Needs evolve, especially during parenthood, so regular conversations about them are essential.”
If there’s one piece of advice you would offer to parents about Valentine's Day, what would it be?
“Lower the pressure, raise the presence and DO NOT compare yourself to others, especially what you see on social media. Valentine's Day is one day. Love and having each other’s backs is important every day.
“Instead of striving for the ‘perfect’ romantic gesture, focus on one meaningful moment of connection. It could be a shared conversation, expressing appreciation, or simply acknowledging how far you’ve come together.
“Parenthood can test even the strongest partnerships, but it can also deepen them, if couples choose to stay curious rather than critical.”
"Comparison is the thief of joy." Scarlett Moffatt talks about relaxing her Valentine's Day expections!
