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Like Brooklyn Beckham, I don't speak to my family - we need to talk about estrangement

Charlie BucklandBBC Wales
Ben Cole-Edwards A selfie photograph of Ben Cole-Edwards, who is 30 years old, has brown curly hair, a brown beard, and blue eyes. Behind him, a coat can be seen on the hook on his back door, and a plastic water bottle can be seen on a desk behind him. Ben Cole-Edwards
Ben Cole-Edwards, 30, has been estranged from his mother for three years

Ben Cole-Edwards hasn't spoken to his mum for three years, and described them as having a turbulent relationship for most of his life.

The 30-year-old is not alone, and is now a trauma informed coach, with nearly 900,000 followers on TikTok listening to his advice.

There have been a number of high profile family fallouts - such as Harry and Meghan with the Royal family, Brooklyn Beckham, and Olympic swimmer Adam Peaty, who reportedly didn't invite his parents to his wedding.

There is relatively little research on family estrangement in the UK, but a nationwide survey of 1,300 people in the US found as many as 27% American adults had cut contact from a family member.

Ben described being called a "brat" online for distancing himself from his mother to protect his mental health.

He said users often claim removing contact with family members is now becoming a trend - but Ben believes becoming estranged is the "last resort" for many.

Trying to put the decision in context, he described everyone's inner child as wanting to be loved, and said: "Cutting off a parent is getting rid of that chance of being loved."

At the time, he thought his childhood was just like everyone else's, but looking back, now he believes it was emotionally unstable.

It was when the father-of-four from Bridgend was expecting his first child in 2020 he started to question things, as he wanted to be the best father he could be.

Yet after what he described as continued "patterns of behaviour", he took a step back from his relationship with his mum.

In 2023, he started posting about his thoughts and feelings online.

"Every video I posted I had to take a deep dive into my life, and my own childhood and see why I do what I do, and why other people did what they did," said Ben, who has gained diplomas in psychology and cognitive behavioural therapy.

"I started speaking about things that no-one was, and it just blew up.

"It's changed my life... and I was just talking about me."

Psychologist Dr Lucy Blake says social media is becoming a place where people are "sharing and connecting"

What began as videos sharing parenting advice online has now turned into a career, as Ben offers counselling sessions to clients all over the World.

He mainly speaks to people in their 20s to 30s, and Ben says 99.9% come to him because they are already disconnected from their family, either physically or emotionally.

"But I have clients in their 70s who say 'how do I start living my life?'," he added.

Ben's mother, Nicola, said she was nor emotionally or physically abusive to Ben.

As a single mum, Nicola says she "made sure he [Ben] had everything his friends had" and she described them as having a "fantastic relationship" up until his late teens.

"I loved my son so much... I would have given my life for my son," she said, adding it was she who cut contact with Ben after discovering his social media account three years ago.

Ben Cole-Edwards Photograph of Ben Cole Edwards sat in front of his pokemon birthday cake at the forefront. He has brown eyes and brown hair and smiles at the camera. A young boy can be seen behind him, however his face is blurred. Ben wears a white t-shirt with a navy trim collar. Ben Cole-Edwards
Ben says it's never on the child to repair the relationship, "regardless of how old they are"

A researcher in family estrangement for more than 10 years, psychologist Dr Lucy Blake said there is no data to indicate estrangement is rising, but there has been a huge shift in dialogue.

Blake said there is sometimes an idea on social media that people decide a relative is toxic or cut them out really easily, but in her experience, most people have thought about becoming estranged for some decades.

"What can make it feel like it's a trend is that it's such a common experience," said Blake.

"And because it's so isolating, I can imagine social media is a real solace for people to say 'I have this experience too'."

Getty Images Brooklyn Beckham (left) with Victoria Beckham (centre) and David Beckham (right) they all pose at the camera. They stand in front of a staircase decorated with red roses. Getty Images
Brooklyn Beckham took to social media to explain his estrangement from his parents in January

Melissa started sharing her experience of no longer being in contact with her family on social media and said she was shocked at how many people described similar situations.

"I thought it was a very rare thing to happen, I didn't know there were so many people out there who could relate to something I was saying," she said.

Melissa, from West Yorkshire, said she decided to end contact with most of her biological family nearly six years ago.

"To cut contact is literally the final straw after years upon years of trying to be the person that they want to you be, trying to please them, being subjected to all of their behaviours," she added.

PA Media The Prince and Princess of Wales, pictured with former Duke and Duchess of Sussex, Harry and Meghan. The four of them stand together in a row. Meghan and Harry are hand in hand while Kate and William stand side by side. PA Media
The relationship between Harry and Meghan and the Royal family has been well documented

"Every single time I was around them it would leave me feeling so down and depressed, and just kind of at a loss as to what to do with myself," she added.

"I felt like my character, my personality, my looks, was always pointed out to me in a really negative way.

"They weren't bringing anything good to my life but I was hanging on so long to try and get the relationship I obviously needed."

Melissa says therapy helped her accept not needing answers any more.

Diagnosed with anxiety at eight and depression at 14, Melissa says she feels a level of disassociation from her life before.

While she shares her story online, it has brought criticism.

"Someone can watch one video of mine and assume I'm doing it for attention, they are not taking into consideration I've had 26 years of all of this trauma, all of this abuse I went through," she said.

"You wouldn't tolerate that kind of behaviour from a friendship, you wouldn't tolerate it from a work colleague, you wouldn't tolerate it from anyone.

"But because it's your family, there is so much importance put on that word, you're the bad one, because it's your family."

Ben Cole Edwards Photograph of Ben Cole Edwards, who is 30 years old and has brown hair, holding his daughters hand. He and his daughter stand in front of a castle at Disneyland Paris. His daughter wears a pink princess dress and has blonde hair in a ponytail. Ben Cole Edwards
Father-of-four, Ben, says he has been called a "brat" online for distancing himself from his mother for the sake of his mental health

Melissa believes that instead of questioning why somebody doesn't speak to their family, people should ask, what made you walk away?

"The most important thing for me is that there are voices out there to help those who need it," she added.

"I would have benefited so much from having access to that when I was younger.

"I want to be that person who shouts for everybody, because there are so many people who don't have that voice yet."

If you have been affected by any issues in this story, you can contact the BBC Action Line

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