'I choose say I no want pikin' - Nigerian women wey dey challenge motherhood expectations

Susan Imaibehe Ekpoh na one of di few female pilots for Nigeria. She base for di kontri capital Abuja.

Her love for planes start wen as small pikin, she enter di cockpit one time wey she dey travel wit her mother, as eight years old. Wetin she see dia paint one picture wey no gree comot from her head.

Susan later achieve her dream to become pilot. As a corporate pilot, her job demand her to be on call 24/7 wen she dey duty and wen she dey cockpit dey fly, di work demand her 100% attention and no chance for any oda tin or thought.

Susan eyes light up as she describe her experience wit me: "To fly plane as woman na one of di best tins wey don happun to me, I love am, e dey very challenging, di stress. To fit challenge gravity and see di world from a different perspective na one of my favourite tins."

But if to build career for industry wey men full inside na something wey stand her out, her decision say she no go born pikin further set her apart.

For many Nigerian communities, wia di worth of a woman still dey linked to her ability to marry and born pikin, more women across Nigeria don dey choose say dem no go born, not because say dem no fit born, but because dem no want children.

Susan wey dey in her thirties na one of dis women. She believe say motherhood na one of di hardest jobs for di world and pesin no go fit do excellent job if no be sometin wey you plan for, or wey hungry you well-well.

She add say her decision no be totally based on her career choice, as female pilots wey be mothers dey but na combination of different tins.

"E no be one moment, no be one tin happun wey make me say I no wan born. Na di way my life dey, di choices wey I don make, di life wey I wan live and overtime I don see say pikin no go fit into dis story."

Although Susan get di support of her family, she say her decision don affect her dating choices.

"I believe say you no suppose force pesin to do wetin dem no wan do, na so resentment dey start. I no go follow pesin wey want pikin say maybe I go change im mind later, and make pesin no also follow me say OK oh, I go change her mind later. Di most important tin na say we suppose align. I dey tok am upfront so if e no work for you, plenty love dey dis world and I go find di one wey be my own."

"Partnership, marriage, I dey open to am, but I no go live my life say I dey wait for am to happun. If God want am to hapun for me fantastic. If I no find pesin wey want di same tins as me, I go still dey happy.

"Partnership no be husband and wife, I don build my life in such a way say I get plenti community, friends and family wey we get di same mindset. We want fuller lives, we want bigger lives. We wan try different experiences, We no wan feel say na only one path woman go take because na wetin dem don tok be dat."

Jennifer dey work for one of di FinTech companies wey base for Lagos.

Her own decision to not born pikin na majorly sake of experience wey she get when she dey grow up as a first daughter and also due to social economic issues.

"I grow up for some kain problematic household. I dey see my aunty dem, I dey see my mama and di kain responsibility I get because I be first born, I tok say I no sure say I wan do am for pikin. I no get dat kain strength, I no want am."

Jennifer wey say her mama still dey try convince her to change her mind, also speak about di lonely road di choice dey carry pesin waka through sometimes and impact on relationships.

"My mama go say who go take care of you for old age, I bin dey tink am truly but wen I start to dey come social media well-well, dey discuss my decision, come dey see oda women wey make same decision wey dey dia 50's dia 60's and dem dey ok and dem dey flourish, I believe say I go dey OK as long as you plan your life."

'No regrets'

For Destiny Udeh wey be 41 years old and wey dey married, her journey to her decision dey quite different.

She say she bin don dey question am secretly deep down say why kids for a long, but not until after she marry, experience miscarriage and a stillbirth she finally dey bold to tok am out loud say she no want kids.

"For 2021 I get belle even though I bin no dey try, I remember wen I find out, pipo bin convince me to keep am and wen e result in stillbirth, na dia I decide to tok am out loud and tell my friends, family and my in-laws."

Destiny say her husband, her mother and in-laws dey supportive of her decision even as some family members and friends no dey take am well and still dey pressure her.

"We both bin agree before we marry say to born pikin or not to born no be deal breaker for us. So wen I make di decision say I no want pikin, e ask if I dey sure and e bin get my blessing say if na wetin e want, e fit go ahead to get pikin. So no be deal breaker for am."

"I don weigh all di options of wetin go hapun. I dey on a journey wey I dey deconstruct plenti tins wey society don teach us, make us believe as women and having a child na one of dem and I dey very solid say I no want pikin. I dey plan for my retirement, I get a lot of pipo wey I love and wey love me too so I dey very happy and no regrets here."

Destiny no dey shy to tok about her choice and journey for social media. Na for dia I find her.

"I happy say I fit live my authentic sef. I dey open oda women eye say e dey possible to choose yourself and be happy, e dey make me fulfilled."

'No one correct way to be woman'

For Dr Abiola Akiyode-Afolabi wey be di Founding Director Women Advocates Research and Doc Center (WARDC) we dey hear more and more about conversations like dis because times don dey change and tins no dey like di previous generations.

"We dey see increase in women wey dey succeed for male-dominated fields, wey na sometin wey dey unimaginable years ago. We dey witness generation of highly educated, financially independent, and globally connected women. For dem, marriage and children don dey become choices, not automatic destinies and social media don play a significant role in dis shift."

Akiyode-Afolabi say di shift we dey see no come without palava as many of di women dey try navigate modern day aspirations while dem still dey deeply connected to extended family structures wey hold traditional views.

Even though women wey no want children still dey in di minority, one of di biggest misunderstanding or assumption society get about dem na say dem dey selfish, incomplete, wounded, or somehow less feminine.

According to di United Nations Children's Fund, Unicef, an estimated seven million babies na im dem dey born for Nigeria every year, making Nigeria a major contributor to global population growth.

For Psychologist Maymunah Kadiri, di view say child-free women dey selfish and incomplete na outdated and simplistic view.

"Womanhood no dey validated by motherhood alone and her worth, purpose, and emotional depth no fit dey reduced to whether she born pikin.

Many women wey choose not to have children no dey reject love, family, or responsibility. Dem dey make a conscious decision about di kind of life dem want to live, di kind of capacity dem get, and di kind of truth dem fit honestly sustain."

Kadiri instead say wetin dey key for dis conversation na say,"communities suppose create space wia women fit speak honestly about motherhood, uncertainty, infertility, childfree choices and wetin dem dey feel without shame."

Supportive conversation suppose begin with respect. E no suppose start from di assumption say e get only one correct way to be woman. Families and communities need to learn how to ask without interrogating, listen without correcting, and care without controlling."

Ultimately, experts say na about choice for dis women, di kind life dem desire to live, wetin dem wan build, experience, protect, and offer to di world.

"Society misunderstand wetin fulfillment mean. E dey assume say di deepest human satisfaction come from parenthood, leading to di belief say woman without children dey empty or compensating. However, fulfillment no be single path."

Na something wey Susan believe. She say for her, fulfilment na, "freedom. Love. Choice. I wan dey able to say dis tin wey I do, na me want am, I enjoy am, no be pesin force me.

"As I don make dis decision now, I don trade off some tins so also pesin wey wan born pikin, become mama. If time reach and I say dat tin I do dat time I come regret am, such is life, you go get to live wit am, every choice we make in life, trade-off dey and possibility of regret dey in future.